Nostalgia berpuasa...

Di bulan Ramadhan ni, tiba-tiba nostalgia lama kembali dlm ingatan. Cewah.... Ini kira first time belajar nak puasa, when i was 7 in Standard 1. Ye lah, dah masuk skolah, malu dgn kawan kalau cakap tak puasa, kan. So confident je thot I was ready nak puasa. With Azira, my partner in crime… we challenged each other, siapa boleh puasa lagi banyak hari. Lepas dah berjinak-jinak puasa tu (walaupun separuh hari masa tu), tiba-tiba pula dengar rumors yang kalau puasa, air liur pun takleh telan. Kalau telan, batal posa.

So ada skali tu masa recess-time, tengah main- main kt mangosteen trees tepi volleyball court, sebab tak pi kantin… Then suddenly terkuar issue air liur nie, Azira and I both tiba – tiba dah cuak.... cam mana ni, kena stop menelan air liur lah, kalau tak batal nih. Tanpa merujuk pada pihak ketiga, kami nekad! So kami berdua tahan air liur tu, bila dah banyak terkumpul (eeeeuuu).. tatau nak spit kat mana pulak. Tiba-tiba... masa tu jugak la *bellRing (loceng bunyi untuk ke dewan untuk perhimpunan lepas recess). ALAMAK ! Dlm kekalutan dan sambil bercakap dengan mulut penuh takungan, dok gabra gaduh tatau nak ludah kat mana? Banyak giler, semulut dah ada… Pengawas plak dah datang, dgn muka garang suruh masuk dewan… So, dalam kekalutan dan suasana tegang itu, kami pun bersama-sama decide menelan aje air liur ditakung tu… hua hua hua… eeYuckkkk! Banyak giler tuh! Wek wek wek.... Perasaan geli tuh takleh lupa sampai skang! Pengajarannya di sini, lenkali jgn nak pandai-pandai buat/ikut fatwa yang takde kesahihannya.

Darjah dua masih curi-curi minum air bila orang tak nampak. Darjah tiga dah puasa betul – betul, tapi maybe ada la skip beberapa hari. Darjah empat dah belajar puasa penuh. Dugaan besar, time sekolah sesi petang. Dah umur 13, patut dah terer puasa ni…. Tapi sebab dah penat dok kt skolah sampai lewat petang, dah tu bas sekolah aku lak sampai sangat la lambat dan kami terpaksa tunggu lama, jadi makin exhausting. Sekali sekala sambil tunggu bas tu, dok ushar satu rumah ni dekat kawasan menunggu tu… rumah dia ada halaman luas, dan jauh di sudut ada sebuah tempayan di sebelah sebuah kolah. Bila time-time dah penat sangat, renung je kolah dan tempayan tu… dah terbayang dah mandi air sejuk tu dan betapa besnya minum air tempayan sejuk tu…kalau dpt setitik dua pun j...PooonPooon… eh bas dah sampai! bila tersedar dr lamunan tu, termalu lah sendiri dgn fantasi kolah dan tempayan aku tu… erk…

Makin membesar, dah dapat atasi fantasi-fantasi mcm tu…. Kalau tengah puasa dan orang makan kfc kt sebelah pun tak heranz. Hmmm yeke… Yer Bolehh…..

Masa kecik-kecik dulu, fokus utamanya more to boleh tahan lapar dahaga ke tak, boleh lawan temptation nak makan minum ke tak. Pastu selalu alert takut kalau silap-silap tergali idung ke telinga ke tanpa sedar. akekeke... Tapi, wahai kanak-kanak, Ustazah ada cakap, puasa ni bukan control makan minum je, kena jauhi semua perbuatan tak berfaedah, jahat dan maksiat. Masa tu, maksiat paling besar yang boleh kita imagine adalah mengumpat. So tiba-tiba je, semua jadi baik tak nak ngata sapa-sapa. Kalau ada sesiapa yang terkuar statement ala-ala mengata nie, dan-dan sorang sorang start nak quote ustazah :P

Little did I know then....
Rupa-rupanya makin besar, makin banyak lagi “temptation” untuk buat perkara-perkara tak berfaedah… Rupa - rupanya dugaan makin banyak, pintu ke arah pelbagai jenis maksiat menjadi semakin meluas dan semakin kreatif pun ada.

Tapi bila dah makin besar ni, kita pun seakan-akan makin lebih pandai nak justify segala perlakuan kita. Apa je kita buat, ade je justification nye kan. Dah takde sapa dah nak tegur dengan quote2 ustazah mcm zaman kecik-kecik dulu, ye tak :) Kalau ada yang tegur pun, kita sama ada jadi malu, tak suka, ego atau tak selesa... dah tak terbuka dan boleh terima teguran dengan senyum kambing mcm kecik-kecik dulu.

Hmmm... bila ckp bab-bab agama masih banyak menda yang aku taktau... bak kata pepatah "cukup makan je"...  tanamkan niat wahai gadis, anda Ilmu tak banyak....jadi rajin-rajinlah mencari..... Amal tak banyak.... jadi rajin-rajinkanlah beramal....wokey macha?

Sejauh mana penghayatan aku bulan Ramadhan ni? Lebih daripada tu... aku terfikir jugak, Sejauh mana kah penghayatan aku pada amalan-amalan yang di buat di bulan Ramadhan.... (i.e. baca Quran, Solat2 Sunat, Sedekah etc) pada bulan-bulan lain. Di bulan Mulia ini, kita perbanyakkan, itu tak bermaksud di bulan lain kita minimize/ lupakan terus, ye dok? :-)

~Peringatan untukkku....

MarHaBan ya RaMadhan...

SelaMat BerPuasa ye KenKawan seme, muslimin muslimat semua....

Semoga kita mndapat KeBerkatan dari-Nya....

Amin.

the middle child...

Re-post from facebook.. i had problem earlier to copy into this blog.

Mom used to dress us alike. At times three of us would have the same dress material and color but with different designs. Sometimes, mom only dressed two of us alike and the other differently. I’m the middle child. As a result, (I had a middle child syndrome... opps..) would be either dressed similarly to my elder sis or my younger sis. Some other times, mom would just dress us all differently. But most of the times, I would end up being boria (uniformed) with either one of my sisters.

It’s actually very cute of my mom and some of these dresses were tailored by my mom. I love em and I even remember how it felt wearing them.I never really rebelled over the similarities until I was a teenager. By then, I made sure even the baju kurung cloths are not of the same motifs. Drama Queen, yes.... but now, tak kesah...siap sistem barter baju with my sistas...

in jeans....obviously trying to be different

The shoes… different from the dresses, we usually had the freedom to choose our own shoes... I can recall the shop we always went to...(still operating in bm) Ouh... talking about dramas... i clearly remember one incident... and it was all because of a pair of shoes.

This white shoes… I don’t remember choosing this one, but I remember loving it so much. I was proud of this pair of shoes and I made sure no one touched it.

One day (I was 5 years old) my mom allowed my sister to wear it, we were all supposed to go to the town. She always wanted to try it but I never let her near em. I went all amok and wouldn’t budge until I got my shoes back. Mom tried to persuade but I wasn't listening... so mom left me with dad at home, and went to town with my 2 sisters. I cried, holding on to my beloved window pane, looking at them leave the house with my sister wearing my white shoes. I cried out loud…and shouted “Ye Sappate…” (my shoes) over and over… and I must have fallen asleep crying. Hahaha… :P

Spent the rest of the day with my dad… It was fun as my dad was trying to build up my mood back. When it was getting dark, they came back and headed straight to the pasar malam (night market, just a walking distance) after informing my dad.

Dad dressed me to join them there. Reaching the pasar malam, we slowly walked down the slope; then I saw my mom and sisters not far away. I was very excited; I have forgotten all my anger by then. Forget the shoes… I miss them already! I let go off my dad’s hand and ran down the slope towards them. I vaguely hear my dad shouting something to me. Last thing I remembered, I saw a bright light.


I opened my eyes and I was lying on the road. There was a motorbike in front of me and people surrounding me, and my mom, sisters and dad. I was hit by the motorbike. It was nothing serious but due to that small impact, I fell on the road and had a deep graze wound on my knees and some scratches on my hands.

Then I was carried back to our house. I remember both my parents tending to me while my sisters curiously watched me crying dramatically. My parents put biskut Jacob’s on my arms to sooth the bruises. (Some old-grannies remedies for in-house medication) My mom was not angry, like she was earlier that day. I only see love and deep concern in both my parents’ eyes.

Of course, as I grow up, I realized mom was not angry because she didn’t love me but because I was just overly rebellious. :P:P~


All because of a pair of white shoes...

Lessons I learned:

1. Never to be toooo selfish
2. I will never let go off my dad’s hand again (metaphorically speaking)
3. Parents love… can never be compromised
4. Road safety = important... even in pasar malams. (I hate crossing roads even until now)
5. biskut Jacob's is a multi-purpose food.

:-) how time flies... how fast have we grown...my niece is now 5 years old.....

My Rainy Days

Rainy days are often related to gloom and murkiness. I think it must be the picture of oneself crying or the myth saying that the god is crying (goddess tears according to Pagan myth) that bring to this presumption. A broken-heart with gushing tears, running in the middle of the rain followed by lightning strikes every now and then; would be better off in a movie scene (will sell like hot cakes, man…) compared to just running and crying.

I think the idea of getting stuck somewhere because of rain, or having neither transport nor an umbrella are the major factors why some people just freak out when it starts to rain… unless you are a sixteen year old holding your puppy love’s hand, wading through the rain trying to find shelter… but deep down inside hoping that you wouldn’t… and that, that moment will last forever. hikhikhik. (another scene that sells in cinemas…) satay panas! satay panas satu!

The thing I love about rain is the freshness that it brings. I have this memory of sitting on the bed, clinging onto the window pane, and admiring the pouring rain. I was very young then, it’s one of the video-graphic memories that I have from my younger years. I could feel the drizzle on my face, and I just loved that feeling. The breeze… they were like whispering to me that life is indeed a beautiful thing to live in. It sent smileys to me. The air so fresh that you could feel that regrets and miseries would not even come any close to haunt you, as if the air was opening a new horizon for you to pierce through. The sound of raindrops hammering the land, thrashing the floor, it was easy on the ear. It was almost melodic and harmonious.

My younger sis ran and jumped on the bed to join me, ending “Me pampering my emotions” session. I was not affected, I was still on my rainy mood, my lovely rainy mood, so I asked her to join me admire the rain. Not sure whether she knew what she was doing, but she gripped the window pane and watched the pouring rain with me. Later, I could hear my elder sis calling upon us, screaming out of joy. She was going zealous on the terrace, jumping and slapping the stretch of rainfall surging down from the rooftop. She had earlier placed a short, round, wide pail on the floor, parallel to the edge of the rooftop. She told us the bucket was going to overflow and we got excited alongside her, shouting in joy cheering for the rain. Yeah, by now, you can imagine how young we were. We were very very young indeed!

We were getting more and more wet by then, from the drizzle and the splashed rainfall. I could see the hill halfway disappeared beneath the fog. From the terrace, it seemed like the hill was right behind the house opposite of ours. It was a serene view. At times, we could see faintly coloured rainbow, and I remember my sis used to tell me not to point fingers towards the rainbow as the fingers might forever be crooked.

When we were going out of control, mom knew it was time to drag us in. Hehe, she had an irresistible way of doing so. Freshly fried keropok ikan and steamy cups of teh. Unable to fight the temptation, we raced to the kitchen and fought to eat more keropok than others could. Haha… or was it just me? I was very greedy back then. The kitchen was an extension space from the original design of the house; the roof was of zinc material. You can imagine the sound that would be produced from rain hitting the zinc, it was thunderously loud and we just loved it. We would be shouting around in order to communicate.

Every time it rained, this series of events became routine.



Growing up, I tend to neglect to cherish “moments”. But at times, when the right time with the right emotions sets in, I still have that space in my heart to appreciate this feeling, going deep into this rainy, lovely rainy mood… Well, thanks to my childhood memory of rainy days :-)

Getting cosy in the house while it is raining outside is a wonderful feeling…to have a cup of hot drinks, or simply getting a comfy mood from the atmosphere. Watching the rainfall from the edge…. Even when you are not in a cosy place, (like stuck somewhere in the middle of the rain), you cuddle yourself trying to warm up, but at the same time loving the chill.

Rain is like washing away sorrows. It’s a great feeling inside if you look at it that way. When the rain finally stops… feel the air, the breeze and the freshness… it’s like breathing a new life…

The small terrace that used to be our 'luxurious' place for stageplay..
nope, its not my dad... and nope, its not me nor one of my sisters...
But I am in this picture... Can u find me???

reincarnation of a bookworm

Went to the library (after some nano years)… I borrowed 4 books... weeee...

Library is a mysterious place.

It is! Simply because that’s how I remembered it when I was younger. The primary school library was a dark place (tak cukup illumination), with 60% of the books beyond readable. Hard covered, dusty, yellow n dust catching pages, small writings, and traces of book worms. Sure didn’t look like it would attract kids 7-12 years old right? I heard that place has changed a lot, with replacements of furniture and books over the years. But all I can remember… it was a mysterious place.

Libraries got less and less mysterious as I grow up… the secondary school library had wider range of choice of books. But hehe… I secretly had an obsession over older books… a section where not many would end up in. Reading on science discoveries and encyclopedia (seriously weh) when the rest hunt for Tin-Tin series and Heinemann books. Oh ya.. Heinemann’s books... I was after those books too :P so I was not a total weirdo all the time lah.

I hated matriculation’s library… a boring place with number of tables more than the books. The library was used for Prep-session, which I hated to attend. There were no good books to read, so all I did was chat with friends despite getting annoyed stares from the good and behaved ones :P

Then the Uni library. I remember this library! I was there during a field trip when I was 13. At that time, I saw some students reading some thick-thick books with small-small writings with their face almost kissing the pages… “Is this life in uni? dun tell me we gonna have to really read all those thick-thick things?” Horror sight for a 13 -year old!

One year passed in Uni and I didn’t even go 2the library to borrow books… When I was in my 2nd year, I needed to borrow a book, but was clueless of the number of books allowed and period of loan. A junior had to tell me the info… haha… and I never remembered. If I needed to borrow one (once in a blue moon), I had to ask and re-ask :P Haha… I usually google things up rather than spending time in the library. In these once in a blue moon occasions, whenever I go to the library to look for some books, I like the feeling of walking in between the racks n books. Makes me feel so… urmmm… educated! Gagaggagagaha… feel so bookworm-ishh.. like bangga berbunga-bunga. Hahahha…

How things have changed huh… I used to love spending time in a library, but now… it feels like nostalgic and like walking into a museum when I walk into a library… teruk betoi… Apa ni? (Blame the Internet!) I am officially back as a student now… So after this recent visit to the library, I bernekad not to be too alien to a place called a library. I want to feel bookwormish again… konon...

When u say "Sweet Dreams", make sure u don't use numbers

I'm a dreamer.

Some people have dreams occassionally, some just once a while, and some rarely. Me? I Dream! I dream almost everynight... I know, some of my close friends who I at times torture with my dream stories are rolling their eyes right now. Mwahahaha.... Like "No, not about your dreams again" Hahahhahaa.....

I dream sooo much... most of the times, I don't pay attention to em. But if the 'storyline' in my dreams involve some friends or sound interesting, they will be victimised with my stories.

I can recall back my dreams from as early as I was 5. What can a 5 years old kid's dream be like? Some 3-4 monsters circling around the dining table. Round and round... and round and round... and... round and... Ok... I think they get the point!

There's one dream that has been bugging me for quite some time though. I just dreamt about it again a few days ago. A dream where I'd be back in secondary school, in Form 5. I love it when my dreams transport me back to the memories of school days because at times, they just felt so real (revisiting places I used to hang out, joking and running around with friends). But sometimes, this dream would be interupted with an anxious feeling.

I would have a feeling that I have not prepared anything for my SPM, specifically for Add Maths. Suddenly, towards the end of the dream, I would be feeling worried-sick that the big exam is just around the corner and I have not studied a thing, especially Add Maths. I dunno how to put this feelings into words... Like "u start to feel butterflies in your stomach"-kinda feel. It feels like my whole future was at stake and I was not ready. Yalaa.. big exam kan.... and it was as if I was totally clueless and unprepared. I'd be awake after a while, feeling a bit anxious. By then, I'd realise it's just a dream and boleh tarik nafas lega.

I don't dream about this very often though. But I have this dream like from time to time... after a few months or years... but the feeling is the same = worried and Not prepared!

Hmmmm.... but why Add Math? This has to go in X-Files.... kan kan....

Since it's a repeating event, I had some time analysing this X-Files of mine. I've thought of some possibilities:

1. I was a lazy student who never did her Add Math homework. I used to leave my homework blank until the following lesson, I'd be the one asking most questions when Mr.Lo announced to the class "Any questions you want to discuss?" I'd fill in the blanks when the answers were discussed and written on the blackboard. It's weird... I'd do all other subjects' homeworks except for Add Math...Could this be the reason??
2. I never liked tuitions. But the only subject I chose to enrol for tuition was Add Math... I'd be listening to what Mr.Rao taught and tried to remember and understand them. But.. again.... I never did the homeworks.
3. For our debate team, we each had our "so-called bombastic" introductions. Elena, first speaker "As long as Titanic remain sunk, and shall never sail again, I will stand affirm with....." Prema, second speaker "As long as the electron....bla bla bla..." and mine was, "As long as the formula of the roots of quadratic equation is negative b plus minus square root of...bla bla bla" (LOOK at the FORMULA wehh... damn long....) Why on earth did I use that as my intro? Never did AddMath homeworks... got guts to use it for some literature purpose some more!
(maybe I should ask Elena if she has dreams of Titanic ship or... Leonardo di Caprio, maybe? :P)
4. SPM revision? I would do some exercises from revision books, just to get familiar with the structure of the questions and answers. A few days before the paper, I memorised the important formulas for every sub-topics... so even there were certain questions I couldn't answer... I wrote down the relevant formulas and fill in any numbers I'd see in the question, just to bag some marks from my answers... Maybe my method of studies/ answering had violated Pythagoras' theorem or some algebra ethics?? so.. i'm haunted?
5. Maybe Mathematics keep haunting me because I was supposed to take up Math course in my tertiary studies??
6. Or... maybe my Soulmate will be a mathematician?? :P:P HAHAHAHA.... oppss... lari topik!
7. Or is it a sign or a reminder not to take things for granted?

Added: Truth be told, as responded in the comment, I was very playful and kind of carefree during SPM (teruk rite :P). When the whole class would be intensely doing their own revision, I would jump around finding people who I could entertain or sembang2. At home, my sis would be studying for PMR and I would be on TV... Hmmm... Maybe I was too relaxed last time, that the anxiety had been diluted and dispersed into my dreams... possible, no? :S :S but still... why addmath?

But if the Add Math-phobia is a price to pay in order for me to get dreams of beautiful memories of my school days... I'll write the cheque... But then again, I don't really have a choice of what to dream when I fall asleep rite? HAHA....

With That....

GOOD NITE u ollss....

SWEET DREAMS... (or should I say sweet-non-mathematical-dreams) Ahakss....
Sleep tite... ZzzZzzZzzz....

the paper boat

8.30am (*I assume). Ehehe.. I was still sleeping when Ain called me :P

“Auntie nina(x3)… I want a boat”

tgh mamai lagi… but I could feel she was placing a small piece of paper on my palm. Half asleep, I took the paper and tried to make it into a boat… then… I doze off.

“Auntie2… my boat” oopss… tertidur…

Actually I didn’t know what I was doing, I was half asleep and it was pitch black (*my room is super-dark), therefore, I followed my childhood instinct and fold the paper with my eyes still closed.

Then… I realized the shape of the paper was not appropriate, we need a square… and again using instinct, tore away the unwanted area. Ain, without fail, came in every now and then to ask if I’ve completed her boat.

I started folding again. dunno how many failed attempt… reopen and doze-offs… but finally, fold and fold and… yeyyyy.. it’s a BOAT!!! Zzzzz

“Aunty… boatt…" I hand her the boat, she shouted happilly and ran out. If I heard her correct, singing in joy "yeahhh I got a boat… I got a boat…” …

I was like “aaaa… I still have the touch for a paper boat.. yippieee”… and…ZZzzzz …..zzz

* * * * * * * *

Later in the evening… she gave me a piece of paper…

“Aunty Vote“

i wrote an “X“ on the paper… She sulked…

“Aunty… vote laaa“

aaar? what symbol i should draw eh…. “What u want?”

“I want a boat laaa“

oppss… Boat… bukan Vote….

Boat?? hmm boat… why does it sound familiar eh???

Then, the picture of me sleeping in a boat… eh eh.. No… sleeping and making a boat came back to me. “uiksss. Did I really made one or was I dreaming???”

I ask her about the boat…it so happens dat… the boat has taken a voyage… down to my parents room and safely harbored at the back of the TV set…


Ahaks… tadaaaa…. here’s the paper boat…




~ invoke the child in me ~